Moving Forward-

I'm not sure what to exactly write here. I've started this specific post because there is alot on my mind and very few people that I can actually talk too who haven't a) already heard it or b) my vent/bitch card has been maxed out or revoked or c) wouldn't have the slightest clue as to how to handle me being the one needing advice. I know this is probably not exactly how people view it, or maybe it is, I'm not really sure, but what I do know is that this is my space to write, and typically I am much more fluent in written or in this case typed word than in verbalizing it to someone. 

 I have constant feelings of inadequacy. They typically come in waves, rolling in and out, some more violent than others. Most of the time I can fake through them but sometimes its not so easy. There are those people who inevitably know that I am faking (i.e. Mikel for example) but it is hard to articulate to them what exactly I am feeling, because I feel that it is ridiculous that I feel that way, but it is real all the same. There are other times that I feel very strongly about a situation, and I do not stand up as much as I should, or can, because I do not want to rock the boat. Or there are times when I feel like I'm being patted on the head, saying "it's great that you feel that way, but I'm still going to do what I want to do, or feel what is right. I am of course older and more experienced." This specific feeling of inadequacy runs pretty deep, because it's tied to Scarlett and thus far my inability to provide on my own like a real adult should be.

I hate being told that my opinion does not matter, especially when it comes to my daughter. I don't really care who you are... but if I say something is NOT happening it would behoove that person to listen especially when it comes in the area of disciplining my child. I understand that I live in someone else's house, but there are some things that I cannot condone. 

 Anyway that has got me in a rut, just the few times that it has happened over the last few months... just drives me insane. 

The other feeling is that I'm losing some of my longest, and up until now I thought closest friendships. I know things change as we get older, and we lead different lives, but being forgotten about multiple times? Maybe it's just today that's got me down... but I don't know. 

Today's just been kind of blah. I hope that tomorrow is better as I rush around in the morning preparing for the days Fall Festival activities with my Toddlers. :) I'm dressing up which is a plus then going with Grandma and Scarlett to Amy's Halloween Party, then to NTC for some grown up time. Maybe that'll make things a tad bit better. 

Oh and I got the interview with the Child Care Staffing Agency, I'm doing a physical, fingerprints and background check and as long as everything clears I should get the job! I also applied for a student assistant job with the day care I'm working with on campus, and still in the running for the IRS. Keep your fingers crossed, the more jobs with my 6 units, the more money we have to move the hell out! :)

Until next time!

A New Page?

Scarlett Mozell Osborn graced me with her presence in the physical world a year ago today 6:49pm. I cannot now imagine life without her. I never imagined at the age of 22 I would give birth to one of the little people I am so fascinated with and plan on making a career out of playing and teaching. Now at 23, 24 in 4 months, with a 1 year old, a semester and a half from graduating, a lot of things have changed.

The first major thing that has changed is Scarlett's father. He has decided to become a part in her life, and seems to genuinely want to see her and spend time with her. He has always been a competent parent, though I do not agree with his parenting methods, nor do I agree with his life/financial choices, and he drives me up a wall half the time, the fact that he is showing interest in taking responsibility and wanting to see her is a good sign.

Right now he takes her Thursday afternoons and brings her back Friday afternoon. Last night was the first time she spent the night away from me, and I about an anxiety attack. But now knowing that she is fine and happy, gets to spend time with her brother, makes it kind of okay.

I know it will just take time to get used too. Next semester I have class MWF from 3-3:50 and A class Wednesday 8:00-10:50 am then Friday 10:00-11:50 am.

Scott has agreed to spend time with Scarlett while I am in school. This is a win win situation in my eyes because he is not encroaching on what I consider, "my time" and he gets to see her more.
He will have her Tuesday evenings through Wednesday early evening, then again Friday 9:00am until 4 ish.

This is a new beginning for the two of us. I think that it is the beginning of a cooperative co parenting, and I am happy about it. I know I have to get over the anxiety, but this is my first time doing this kind of arrangement, while Scott has almost 5 years of experience with Scotty. It will workout, I just hope it goes along smoothly without any major bumps that could harm Scarlett's relationship with one of us.

On another note Mikel and I have been talking quite a bit, and the move out date has been set for August 2012. We are really excited about it, and have become pretty determined. We need our own space, and Scarlett needs her own room. :)

I haven't really lost much weight since I plateaued at about 198. My weight goes between 198-200, but I am not working right now and I have been pretty stressed. I am just excited I haven't gained anymore weight.

It'll probably just take some more time, but hey, I lost 35 lbs in a year, I'm pretty sure I can lose the last 20 (maybe even more!) by graduation day.

Thanks for everyone who puts up with my high strung personality. I'm a control freak, and I know it. I'm trying to let go a bit, which can be witnessed with my acceptance of Scott back into Scarlett's life.

I'm looking forward to the future. And it's just oh so close.

(fingers crossed for an email wanting an interview from the IRS and also a Child Care Staffing Agency... would be awesome!)

Happy 1st Birthday.

Scarlett my darling daughter, today you are 1 year of age, and I cannot believe how the time has passed. I still remember the first kicks, the hiccups, constantly having to pee, the first time I was able to hold you, the first time we gave you a bath, the first time you threw up on me... all of these moments as if they were yesterday. The past 20 months when I first found out that you existed, and then at 24 months I felt your first movement for the first time, seem so close, yet so far away. I have watched you grow and learn literally hourly, and your intelligence, spunk, and uniqueness amaze me daily. I don't know how many times I have been complimented by your beauty, or how amazed people are about your cognitive development, (yes I am using these terms.. I'm still in college at this point.) I would never have imagined that at the age of 23 I would have accomplished this much. I never imagined that at 22 I would actually give birth to one of the little people I was so fascinated with and planned on making a career playing and teaching. Thank you for the experiences, the laughs, the first words, the crawling even more importantly the love. The love that you show me is unmatchable, and I hope that you know that there are no limits to my love for you. My love for you is unconfined... there are times sure that I may not like your choices, your choice in friends, words, or lifestyle, but that love will never change.

I hope that you realize just how much everyone loves you. Your father, though him and I are no longer together loves you very much, as does your older brother. I hope that in time your father and I can learn to  co parent in a healthy, loving way, with your benefit being the soul reason we continue to communicate. We may not have lasted, we may not always get along, but you will always have both of us, and I hope that he and I continue to show you that as the years pass.

Happy Birthday my Baby,

Mommy