New Year Resolution... a Tad Bit early!

Okay, so with Christmas around the corner, and the New Year fast approaching, I figure it is time to make some goals.

Goals for 2012:

• Graduate with above a 3.1 GPA
• Continue to improve my relationship to at least a stable friendly one with Scarlett's father, for her sake.
• Join a group fitness class (or two) at Fresno State Gym
• Lose 45 lbs (this would put me around 160-165)
• Attend the Fresno State Gym atleast 3 times a week. 
• Take a walk everyday.
• Obtain full time work as a daycare teacher
• Move out by beginning of 2013
• Obtain Administrative Credential for ECE Site Supervisor permit.

All of these goals are attainable. Most of these goals I have started already, and some I am waiting until the end of the holidays, and for Spring semester to begin in January. The weight loss journey is definitely going to start back up in January. Currently I do not have the time, nor the child care for Scarlett in order to attend the Fresno State Gym. However, next semester it works out that while I am either at work, or in class I have some time to hit the gym, while Scarlett stays with her father.

I know it's not going to be easy, and I know that I may not reach my goal weight right away, but I think that it is definitely doable, given my schedule and the fact that I have figured out the childcare situation.

Okay so I will start regularly blogging again probably after the holidays.

Starting Weight: 200
Goal Weight: 160
Pant Size: 14/16

Lbs to lose: 40

25-30 by May 19, 2012 (graduation date!!!)

So many positive changes, the end is in site!!! Lose the fat that has accumulated through pregnancy and stress, then graduate get into the work force and move out. Starting my life the right way, in a positive light, with a man that I am deeply in love with, and a daughter that is my jewel that came out of a really dark time in my life. A dark time with a not so great relationship- something that was started for all the wrong reasons, and stayed in it for the wrong reasons. Scarlett's my diamond that was from the monumental amount of pieces of  dirty mishappen coal that were compressed, and produced something beautiful. :) Yup I got the baggage both on my body and emotionally, but I will work through it, and come through it stronger, and better than before.
Thank you Scarlett for showing me what true love really is, what it is like to actually fall in love with someone so beautiful. Thank you for showing me that- without that I may never have actually found it in a partner. I love you Mikel Arrid Thomas. By far you are one of the most selfless people I have ever met. Thank you for sticking through the rough emotional patches I have had, dealing with the sleepless nights of teething, sleep talking (Scarlett and I both do it. lol) and just loving us both even though we drive you crazy. :)

New and Exciting Things!

I have not been a good blogger as of late, but I have decided that now is a good time to update considering the good news.


This morning when I opened my Fresno State e-mail account, I had a pleasant surprise of reading the following, "Congratulations.  I have reviewed your application for graduation and I am pleased to inform you that you are on schedule to fulfill all undergraduate degree requirements necessary for spring 2012 graduation.  Upon successful completion of courses in progress, your graduation date will be May 19, 2012."


So this means I will be GRADUATING May 19 2012, and it is official given that I do not fail any classes. Considering that I have A's and B's this semester, and it is final week? Not bloody likely. I will finally have my Bachelors and be able to work full time. Another exciting tidbit is that after I take 8 more units to get my Administrative Services Credential, I'll be able to work as a Site Supervisor and just need to get that specific permit.


Furthermore, I have been hired on as a Student Assistant for the infant side of the Child Care Center on campus. :) It'll be good experience, great mentor teachers for referrals, and I get to work with babies! :)


I know that I am one of those crazies that prefer infants and toddlers, but yay!!!!


Scarlett is also very close to walking, she is just being stubborn and prefers crawling because she has yet to discover that walking leads to running, and running is far superior to speed crawling, because you can carry things in your hands! 
I recently purchased a new mattress for the little one because hers was trashed. I hadn't noticed it until she refused to sleep, and when she did sleep it was crappy. So... 35.00 later a nice *gently used* Simmons Beauty Rest mattress, and she slept fantastically!

1 step 2 step 3 step 4...

If you cannot tell by the title, Scarlett took her first few unassisted steps today! It was early morning, and we stood her up and held our hands out and said "come on Scarlett!" She first took 1, then 2 steps then sat down to crawl. We got her to a succession of 4 steps before she decided she had had enough of being the performing monkey, crawled over to grandma, and decided it was nap time.

This is so exciting! We are hoping with more coaxing and working on it everyday we may have a full blown walker by Christmas! Merry Christmas to mommy! That would make Scarlett 14 months.

Thanksgiving is around the corner, and Christmas is so close! We're decorating for Christmas on Friday, then Christmas shopping and wrapping the following week! :)

Split Time

Scarlett is starting to spend more time with her brother and father, which is by far one of the hardest things I as a mother have had to do so far. She loves spending time with them, and I have noticed a few inherent traits that she has picked up from spending time and playing with Scotty. Things that I know Scotty did as an older infant, and things she is doing now.

Scarlett is crawling in patterns typically large circles, quickly and repeatedly. After a few routes she'll look behind her to see if someone is following her.

Scarlett also mimics Scotty's incessant giggle. It's really entertaining, and she had started this behavior after her weekly visit as if she was trying to sell it to our house.

She also does this weird shaking thing, where she will tense up and her little head will shake with her body... she thinks it's absolutely hilarious. I have a feeling that brother does it to make her giggle.

So today was the first time that Dad and Brother have sister time for for than one night at a time. It came out of A) mom starting to realize that she has to share, at least a little bit, and B) Mom needs to get started on a paper due tomorrow evening.

I don't know, it feels really weird not having her all of the time, but I guess that's the price one pays for being a split household. But I know that she will be far happier and things will be so much better with us split and in two households than if we attempted to hold it together as one household. EVERYONE would have been miserable.

Scarlett is teething again, 5 teeth this time. 2 bottom, 2 canines and 1 molar, as well as going through another growth spurt. She is getting closer and closer to walking... I can't wait to have her back this weekend to play at faire as a faerie! Oh and pictures will be taken, lots and lots of them.

Working on Me...

So I love how plans and ideas have changed as time progresses. The original goal of this semester was to try and lose another 10 ish pounds. BUT... stress, course load, my darling Scarlett, plans on moving out, deaths in the family... all have put a hamper on the progress. I have not actually gained any weight, so I'm sitting solidly at 200.

So new goals need to be set: I will have more time next semester, so new goal is 180 by graduation day, perhaps even a little more. That's setting a goal about 1 lb a week. I will accomplish this by going to the gym 3x's a week (when time permits between classes) and chasing after a toddler.

I really want to find an activity once a week that is just for me, that I do simply because I want to. I had one that I started attending regularly again with my munchkin, but it ended abruptly with the death a really close friend.

So the search is on for another weekly or even biweekly activity that hopefully does not cost much money? I was thinking about trying to find a Zumba class that met a few times a week, but funds are tight due to lack of employment. (which I am working on that as well. Stay tuned.)

January is when the exercise regiment will begin! So does this count as an early new years resolution? lol Well my new years resolution is 165 by next October.

YAY!

Okay I'm done rambling, I need to go study for a test and then start writing my 2nd term paper.

Moving Forward-

I'm not sure what to exactly write here. I've started this specific post because there is alot on my mind and very few people that I can actually talk too who haven't a) already heard it or b) my vent/bitch card has been maxed out or revoked or c) wouldn't have the slightest clue as to how to handle me being the one needing advice. I know this is probably not exactly how people view it, or maybe it is, I'm not really sure, but what I do know is that this is my space to write, and typically I am much more fluent in written or in this case typed word than in verbalizing it to someone. 

 I have constant feelings of inadequacy. They typically come in waves, rolling in and out, some more violent than others. Most of the time I can fake through them but sometimes its not so easy. There are those people who inevitably know that I am faking (i.e. Mikel for example) but it is hard to articulate to them what exactly I am feeling, because I feel that it is ridiculous that I feel that way, but it is real all the same. There are other times that I feel very strongly about a situation, and I do not stand up as much as I should, or can, because I do not want to rock the boat. Or there are times when I feel like I'm being patted on the head, saying "it's great that you feel that way, but I'm still going to do what I want to do, or feel what is right. I am of course older and more experienced." This specific feeling of inadequacy runs pretty deep, because it's tied to Scarlett and thus far my inability to provide on my own like a real adult should be.

I hate being told that my opinion does not matter, especially when it comes to my daughter. I don't really care who you are... but if I say something is NOT happening it would behoove that person to listen especially when it comes in the area of disciplining my child. I understand that I live in someone else's house, but there are some things that I cannot condone. 

 Anyway that has got me in a rut, just the few times that it has happened over the last few months... just drives me insane. 

The other feeling is that I'm losing some of my longest, and up until now I thought closest friendships. I know things change as we get older, and we lead different lives, but being forgotten about multiple times? Maybe it's just today that's got me down... but I don't know. 

Today's just been kind of blah. I hope that tomorrow is better as I rush around in the morning preparing for the days Fall Festival activities with my Toddlers. :) I'm dressing up which is a plus then going with Grandma and Scarlett to Amy's Halloween Party, then to NTC for some grown up time. Maybe that'll make things a tad bit better. 

Oh and I got the interview with the Child Care Staffing Agency, I'm doing a physical, fingerprints and background check and as long as everything clears I should get the job! I also applied for a student assistant job with the day care I'm working with on campus, and still in the running for the IRS. Keep your fingers crossed, the more jobs with my 6 units, the more money we have to move the hell out! :)

Until next time!

A New Page?

Scarlett Mozell Osborn graced me with her presence in the physical world a year ago today 6:49pm. I cannot now imagine life without her. I never imagined at the age of 22 I would give birth to one of the little people I am so fascinated with and plan on making a career out of playing and teaching. Now at 23, 24 in 4 months, with a 1 year old, a semester and a half from graduating, a lot of things have changed.

The first major thing that has changed is Scarlett's father. He has decided to become a part in her life, and seems to genuinely want to see her and spend time with her. He has always been a competent parent, though I do not agree with his parenting methods, nor do I agree with his life/financial choices, and he drives me up a wall half the time, the fact that he is showing interest in taking responsibility and wanting to see her is a good sign.

Right now he takes her Thursday afternoons and brings her back Friday afternoon. Last night was the first time she spent the night away from me, and I about an anxiety attack. But now knowing that she is fine and happy, gets to spend time with her brother, makes it kind of okay.

I know it will just take time to get used too. Next semester I have class MWF from 3-3:50 and A class Wednesday 8:00-10:50 am then Friday 10:00-11:50 am.

Scott has agreed to spend time with Scarlett while I am in school. This is a win win situation in my eyes because he is not encroaching on what I consider, "my time" and he gets to see her more.
He will have her Tuesday evenings through Wednesday early evening, then again Friday 9:00am until 4 ish.

This is a new beginning for the two of us. I think that it is the beginning of a cooperative co parenting, and I am happy about it. I know I have to get over the anxiety, but this is my first time doing this kind of arrangement, while Scott has almost 5 years of experience with Scotty. It will workout, I just hope it goes along smoothly without any major bumps that could harm Scarlett's relationship with one of us.

On another note Mikel and I have been talking quite a bit, and the move out date has been set for August 2012. We are really excited about it, and have become pretty determined. We need our own space, and Scarlett needs her own room. :)

I haven't really lost much weight since I plateaued at about 198. My weight goes between 198-200, but I am not working right now and I have been pretty stressed. I am just excited I haven't gained anymore weight.

It'll probably just take some more time, but hey, I lost 35 lbs in a year, I'm pretty sure I can lose the last 20 (maybe even more!) by graduation day.

Thanks for everyone who puts up with my high strung personality. I'm a control freak, and I know it. I'm trying to let go a bit, which can be witnessed with my acceptance of Scott back into Scarlett's life.

I'm looking forward to the future. And it's just oh so close.

(fingers crossed for an email wanting an interview from the IRS and also a Child Care Staffing Agency... would be awesome!)

Happy 1st Birthday.

Scarlett my darling daughter, today you are 1 year of age, and I cannot believe how the time has passed. I still remember the first kicks, the hiccups, constantly having to pee, the first time I was able to hold you, the first time we gave you a bath, the first time you threw up on me... all of these moments as if they were yesterday. The past 20 months when I first found out that you existed, and then at 24 months I felt your first movement for the first time, seem so close, yet so far away. I have watched you grow and learn literally hourly, and your intelligence, spunk, and uniqueness amaze me daily. I don't know how many times I have been complimented by your beauty, or how amazed people are about your cognitive development, (yes I am using these terms.. I'm still in college at this point.) I would never have imagined that at the age of 23 I would have accomplished this much. I never imagined that at 22 I would actually give birth to one of the little people I was so fascinated with and planned on making a career playing and teaching. Thank you for the experiences, the laughs, the first words, the crawling even more importantly the love. The love that you show me is unmatchable, and I hope that you know that there are no limits to my love for you. My love for you is unconfined... there are times sure that I may not like your choices, your choice in friends, words, or lifestyle, but that love will never change.

I hope that you realize just how much everyone loves you. Your father, though him and I are no longer together loves you very much, as does your older brother. I hope that in time your father and I can learn to  co parent in a healthy, loving way, with your benefit being the soul reason we continue to communicate. We may not have lasted, we may not always get along, but you will always have both of us, and I hope that he and I continue to show you that as the years pass.

Happy Birthday my Baby,

Mommy

Busy Bee!

The title of this post is quite appropriate to the amount of work that my family and I have accomplished this weekend. The cleaning extravaganza began Friday evening. The weather was cooler, (thank the Gods for that one) and we began the monumental task of tackling the garage. We (as in the family) have not really been keeping to a cleaning schedule, nor do we really have much time too. There has been a lot of hurt feelings, frustrations, from the lack of clean spaces, clutter, and overall lethargy because we are just all exhausted by the end of the day.

So Saturday night the four of us, (Mom, Mikel, Kristen and I) sat out to begin cleaning the garage. I suppose we were all in a purging mood because we worked for about 4 hours Friday evening, clearing a lot of excess clutter out of the garage. We had to make room for a couch in the garage, since Mikel and I received two new matching couches and are using them in the living room.

So Friday night went fairly quickly without much to worry about. Saturday was a very long day. It started at 9 am and ended at about 8 pm with various breaks scattered between. We discovered the washer was pissing it's contents all over the floor, and molded over some of our sleeping bags, old bedding, and other possessions. Luckily we didn't really care and just started throwing it all to the curb.

Mikel ended up leaving some time around 12 pm to get the couches, and came back around 1:30pm meanwhile Mom and Kris were scouring the garage, and I was in the process of cleaning our (Mikel, Scarlett and I's) bedroom to make room for the armoire that was coming back in the room. Stopped to get lunch, then continued cleaning. After another few hours of cleaning, getting the couches in, Kris and Mikel set up Scarlett's toy organizer, and I put all of her toys in that. I finished cleaning and organizing the bedroom, and finally we stopped.

Sunday was a day of fun too! Mom (thankfully) agreed to watch Scarlett for us so Mikel could go tuxedo shopping with his dad, and I was able to get some much needed sewing done on our faire garb.

Faire Garb fix list:
* Velvet pants need lots of repair in crotch area.
-Solution: whip-stitching then bias tape.
*Resew tab back on too doublet.
*Find a shirt that fits my skinny boyfriend.

*Kirtle stays need to be shortened.
-Solution: Open up top of kirtle, snip stays, whip-stitch back together

*Red Over-Dress:
This one was giving Amy and I the sad face. :( I am still about 20 lbs heavier, but my kirdle fit fine. My hips are about 4 inches wider, and the beautiful Flemish over-dress we created was not lacing far enough in. We searched the basement for the yard or so scraps, but could not find it the same material. I found various yardage of every other costume I've ever made with her, but not the beautiful berry linen.
-Solution: 1/4 yard of gorgeous berry silk nearly identical in color added at the sides.
Now I have a beautiful over-dress again, and a complete costume!

I left Amy's about 6:40pm ran to get some sandwiches for dinner from Winco and ended up back home. Mikel put Scarlett down (she finally fell asleep about 8:30 pm) then I set to start reinforcing grommets on the over dress by covering them with embroidery floss. At about 11:30 we went to bed, then started the battle of Scarlett going to bed. Apparently she had decided that 3 hours was enough of a nap, and was up and wanted to play. Luckily mom was taking the day off anyway to deal with her car and she took Scarlett so Mikel and I could salvage some of the night and sleep. Went to bed at 1:30am, got up at 8. I was supposed to ride my bike this morning, but I was far to exhausted from the lack of sleep. So instead of the 32 miles this week it'll only be 24. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. :)

Anyway that is my update! Oh and my weight is back down to about 198-199. I guess stress is evil, and does mean things to my body. I'm hoping with all this biking that I will see some significant weight loss in the next few months. :)

Until later than!

Need Motivation

It's been about a week and a half since I last rode my bike, simply because I need to replace the inner tube on my back tire with one of those nifty goo inner tubes to battle the thorny sticker bushes.
On this note, I've gained a little bit of weight back. I'm back at 200-203 range depending on the day. I think part of it reflects just how crazy school has been, and trying to eat healthily, figure out the calorie intake that I need in order to bike back and forth, juggle other forms of exercise (currently none), and the heat.

It's probably partly a mood thing as well. I've been fairly self-conscious lately, and I've given in to some sweet treats. I need to not too, especially if I want to lose this weight and keep it off. Then again I've looked at how insane my class schedule is, plus studying time, I'm not sure how I plan to actually get my butt motivated to exercise. Zumba was a great motivator, except the fact that I'd bike home get home at 4:30, hope someone could watch Scarlett then get sweaty again an hour later, followed by tarot. PLUS Tuesday nights are big core in readings as well for school.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I just may not have enough time right now, besides from eating decently and biking to take control of my weight loss like I initially intended. There does not seem to be enough hours in the day. Maybe things will change a bit when it's cooler outside.

I know that I don't look bad, I tend to feel better on an average day, it's just the nagging in the back of the head, "you used to look different... just 2 years ago" then again I remind myself that 2 years ago I was 175 and just found out I was pregnant... Yep fantastic. It's not actually all that much weight when I think about it, it's just getting it off... and keeping it off. 20 lbs isn't all that much in the grand scheme of things... it's just getting there when my body has decided it's comfortable at 200. :(

Well I don't know. I'm gonna try and get back on it next week, hopefully I can knock these last few pounds off that I gained and get back on the horse of losing weight.

 Mikel is awesome through my random emotional stages. He's really supportive, and I definitely fall in love with him more as each day passes. He's super positive, sometimes fairly sarcastic and makes me laugh daily on multiple occasions. He has made life much more pleasant and Scarlett absolutely adores him. That's a major plus.

Roadblocks and Hiccups

So I rode to school 3/5 days last week, and it was fantastic! The ride to school in the morning is amazing, the ride home kinda blows, because it is so darn warm, BUT that will change once it starts to cool off. I rode 20 miles total last week because I got a flat on Friday going home from school.

This week is only going to be 16 miles because I have an appointment on Friday with my job specialist. It's okay I'll pick it up majorly the following week with 32 miles!!! :)

I'll keep everyone posted.

And the Journey Begins...

It's been one hell of a weekend, and let me say that I have enjoyed every minute of it! Started off with a fundraiser for Central Valley Pagan Pride, got to see a lot of people that I love dearly, and just ultimately hang out. Entertainment was great, and company was awesome! Followed by a lazy Saturday, then Sunday pops up with Panera and seeing the movie "The Help" which was great! Mom bought the book, so it's totally on my to do list.

Then it hit me at some point today how truly content I am with my life, and how pissed off I am all at the same time. I look at my gorgeous little girl, and even when she is being a hellian, I could not imagine going a day without her. It has been a month since he has seen her. I know I should be used to it, I should expect it, but fuck...

Luckily school starts tomorrow and it can take my mind off the fact that he's being a deadbeat. 8 miles tomorrow and couldn't be more excited!

1st Birthday Plans: What's Pink yellow and quacks?

Scarlett's birthday is coming up, and I have finally figured out what party decorations I want to do!



It's super cute! It's a service of 16 for about 40.00, I plan on supplementing the rest of the needed flatware with solid colors.

We're also doing cupcakes topped with Rubber Ducks (party Favors) Ducks look like this:

Probably going to do yellow/white cake with white frosting to complement the color theme, with a mini cake for Scarlett to demolish.

This onsie:

Cause all little ones need something special! I also plan on turning our pool into a duck pond with these or something like them:


Last but not least are these cute duck garlands I found on ebay:


Yup I'm looking at spending about 100.00 I didn't think that was too bad. Any suggestions or ideas? Plan on purchasing stuff in September.