Moving Forward-

I'm not sure what to exactly write here. I've started this specific post because there is alot on my mind and very few people that I can actually talk too who haven't a) already heard it or b) my vent/bitch card has been maxed out or revoked or c) wouldn't have the slightest clue as to how to handle me being the one needing advice. I know this is probably not exactly how people view it, or maybe it is, I'm not really sure, but what I do know is that this is my space to write, and typically I am much more fluent in written or in this case typed word than in verbalizing it to someone. 

 I have constant feelings of inadequacy. They typically come in waves, rolling in and out, some more violent than others. Most of the time I can fake through them but sometimes its not so easy. There are those people who inevitably know that I am faking (i.e. Mikel for example) but it is hard to articulate to them what exactly I am feeling, because I feel that it is ridiculous that I feel that way, but it is real all the same. There are other times that I feel very strongly about a situation, and I do not stand up as much as I should, or can, because I do not want to rock the boat. Or there are times when I feel like I'm being patted on the head, saying "it's great that you feel that way, but I'm still going to do what I want to do, or feel what is right. I am of course older and more experienced." This specific feeling of inadequacy runs pretty deep, because it's tied to Scarlett and thus far my inability to provide on my own like a real adult should be.

I hate being told that my opinion does not matter, especially when it comes to my daughter. I don't really care who you are... but if I say something is NOT happening it would behoove that person to listen especially when it comes in the area of disciplining my child. I understand that I live in someone else's house, but there are some things that I cannot condone. 

 Anyway that has got me in a rut, just the few times that it has happened over the last few months... just drives me insane. 

The other feeling is that I'm losing some of my longest, and up until now I thought closest friendships. I know things change as we get older, and we lead different lives, but being forgotten about multiple times? Maybe it's just today that's got me down... but I don't know. 

Today's just been kind of blah. I hope that tomorrow is better as I rush around in the morning preparing for the days Fall Festival activities with my Toddlers. :) I'm dressing up which is a plus then going with Grandma and Scarlett to Amy's Halloween Party, then to NTC for some grown up time. Maybe that'll make things a tad bit better. 

Oh and I got the interview with the Child Care Staffing Agency, I'm doing a physical, fingerprints and background check and as long as everything clears I should get the job! I also applied for a student assistant job with the day care I'm working with on campus, and still in the running for the IRS. Keep your fingers crossed, the more jobs with my 6 units, the more money we have to move the hell out! :)

Until next time!